Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
