i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i love accidental penises.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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