3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
