you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
