The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
