make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
