If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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