I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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