You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
