How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
