she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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