DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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