I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
