At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
