There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Randomize
