i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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