the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
