Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
