He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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