my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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