I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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