and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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