the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I believe in your delicious
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize