Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize