Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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