mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
