So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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