please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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