Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
