Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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