Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize