I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
