I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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