But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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