My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
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