Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
