You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Randomize
