You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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