So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize