I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
