He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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