fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize