he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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