Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
