I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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