Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize