Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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