went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
