Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
