he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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