I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My butt remains clenched, sir.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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