so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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