The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
