I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
