i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize