Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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