Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
